Heart's Song

My heart has lost it's music

I turned it off one day

Now I dwell in silence

I have no song to play

My pain was so intense

I couldn't stand the notes

Tried to sing the words

They wouldn't pass my throat

Now my heart feels empty

And I am looking for a song

I try to bring it back

But it's been gone so long

I spend my days in silence

With whispers of my past

But when I hear a tune

My soul is just harassed

I need a song of healing

One that soothes my soul

I need a song of love

My heart will then be whole

A few years ago I experienced several heartbreaking events in a very short period of time.  I was driving in my truck, tears in my eyes when a song came on that made my heart ache so badly I had to pull the truck over.  I reached up and turned the radio off.  I have not listened to music since that day.  Oh sure I hear music when I am riding with someone else.  And yes I try to listen to songs that my children play for me.  I try to listen to the words.  Sometimes the music sounds like noise that keeps me from hearing the message of the song.  And certain songs seem to grate on my nerves.  Although I couldn't tell you which ones until they are playing.

A few days ago the silence was deafening.  I tried to find some music to play.  I had no idea where to turn or what music to choose.  In my search I discovered You Tube.  My children were trying to help me learn more about You Tube and were showing me some of their favorite clips.  During one of the clips I realized that they were all laughing and I didn't understand the humor.  At that moment I realized music was not all that was missing from my life.  I have misplaced my humor, my passion, my intensity.  I have denied my heart.

I find myself only allowing myself to feel and express those emotions and thoughts that are "appropriate".

It is time for me to find the music again.  It is time to open my heart fully.  And even though I know it is time, I am apprehensive.  I know that opening my heart, finding the music will open the flood gates of painful memories and things I have been denying.  It is as if I hear all those things I have been bottling up singing Queen's "We will, We will rock you".  My hope is that I will soon be singing a new song. 

Are you singing your song?

Copyright 2011 Ramblings by Dawn.  All rights reserved.